Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
