new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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