last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
