I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize