yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
