What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
