Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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