I want to stick my p in your. b.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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