So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
