and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
