hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
