Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
well you can't waste a boner
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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