He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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