You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
