he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
