Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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