take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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