I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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