Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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