Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
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