I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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