I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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