the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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