She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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