i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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