i just wanna soil my oats bro
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
