Whatcha textin bout Willis?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
