The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Randomize
