There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
