my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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