my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
