the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
