I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
