I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
