as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
