You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
