the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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