I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
