Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
