4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
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