its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize