i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
