i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize