I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize