Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
