at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
