her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize