so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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