go do what you do best...puke behind churches
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize
