She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
