How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
