why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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