Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
