Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
