My underwear smells like fireworks.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
