I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Randomize
