I heard we made out
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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